Sometimes I don't like living in a small community where everyone knows everything about me. More importantly, I don't like everyone's "looks" they give me some days. When something tragic or big happens in your life, living in a small town is sometimes like being swarmed by a bunch of anxious bees. I'm not saying these people mean anything mean or bad, they are human. They are astounded by the train wreck forming in front of their eyes. That doesn't make them bad people by any means, it just makes them that- people.
My point by my headline here is when everyone knows your name, they know every little thing about your life. And if they don't, sometimes they will "fill in the blanks" of your life story to make it more interesting. We all know those people that do that. Maybe some of us are like that ourselves.
When Laila passed away, I didn't leave my house for days. I didn't want those stares. Those sympathy looks. It was hard enough for me day in and day out to wake up and go through the day with dry eyes, or even to make myself get dressed. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know how I was suppose to act or react in situations when people asked how I was or questions about Laila. I didn't feel "ready" to face the world yet. I think a week went by when I attempted my first outing in to our little town. I went to the drug store to pick up my medicine. It was a quick process, but even in a swift motion such as picking up a prescription, those "stares" find their way into your line of vision.
I thought it would get better the longer I had between losing Laila and now, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. If anything, it's harder now than it was then. The longer I go without my baby, the more my heart hurts and my emotions whirl inside of me. I thought I could handle other people being pregnant and having babies around me, but It makes me relive my own experience over again. People who have babies or are pregnant treat me as if I have some contagious bad luck that will spread to their own baby or pregnancy. And if they don't think that, they don't know how to treat me, so they avoid all together talking about their pregnancy or child.. Those kinds of things hurt me.
Some people in my family have never had to go through something like this before so they think it helps to say things like, "Someday you will be a mom" or "your will make us grandparents or great aunts" and so on. I already am a mom. They already are grandmas, grandpas, greats, aunts, uncles, and so on. Just because she passed on doesn't mean she never existed. If anything, she lives on more than most people I know. She made more impact in our lives in her short life, than most people do in a lifetime. Don't tell me I will have a baby someday. I already have a baby. And she is beautiful, and special. She had a personality, and a heartbeat. She was and still is apart of Ryan & I. Sometimes I wish people would sit back and just think about some of the things they say or have said and ask themselves if they had went through what we are going through, would those things help them, or hurt them? I think that would prevent a lot of hurt feelings.
so maybe that's where I wanted this post to go. I wanted those who live in our small little town to know any understand that just because they know of the story, doesn't mean they know how it feels and what we're going through. Honestly, if you have no idea, and you don't know what to say, just don't say anything.
Thanks for reading.
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