Jury is Back.. Green Light!!

The last few days I have been busy packing and organizing for our big move. I haven't been able to find time to get on here and write. BUT.. I have wonderful, positive news!

Yesterday we went to see a doctor who has come to us highly recommended by friends and family. Dr. Hoversland out of Lafayette. We explained everything to him about our doctors in Terre Haute and he said they were playing it safe. For those of you who don't know, back in April Ryan & I lost our first baby Laila, to a partial mole pregnancy (diagnosed by the doctors, I don't agree). In response to this diagnosis, the doctors wanted us to wait anywhere between 12-18 months to even TRY and get pregnant again. They didn't even want to visit the idea until then. Knowing that with partial and full mole pregnancy, the tumor can come back if your body isn't given enough time to heal. BUT, I recovered very well, and quick. It was almost 6 months after losing Laila when we found out we were pregnant again. Unfortunately  as quickly as we found out, we lost that baby as well. That's when we knew to go to a doctor and get a second opinion.

Anyway, he said we have waited plenty of time. And he would only have patients with partial moles wait anywhere between 3-6 months, just to check on things. He discussed possible problems that could be causing me to not be able to stay pregnant, and did blood work to see if he could confirm any of them. I go back in three weeks. He told us he doesn't see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant again in the next month or two and have a healthy baby. We are so excited! I realize this may not seem like amazing news having blood work  tests, and possible problems. But there is a plus side: If there is a problem, we will know about it BEFORE we get pregnant, and we can help maintain it so it doesn't affect the baby or pregnancy. It' s good now because we know we CAN get pregnant on our OWN, and we can keep this baby healthy. Because from the beginning  the doctors know my history and the possibilities that come with our future.

Me pregnant at 15 weeks with Laila 

I wanted to share this because we have been praying and focusing on positivity the last few days.. and it seems to be helping in good time! We are so grateful we don't have to wait and go through tons of fertility treatments again.. thanks for reading! :)

Walk to Remember October 2012

"In memory of"...

Laila Marie Vickey
Born April 10, 2012
Daughter of Ryan & Samantha Vickery

Baby Vickery
September 21, 2012
Child of Ryan & Samantha Vickery

Our babies names in the Remembrance section of the program

Ryan & I at the Walk to Remember

Our babies were honored today in Terre Haute, Indiana in the annual "'Walk to Remember" organized by Sue Hoopengarner and other staff members and volunteers at Union Hospital. Sue Hoopengarner is ahead of the RTS Bereavement Services at Union Hospital. She helped Ryan and I this past April when we had Laila. She organized a special time where we were able to spend precious moments with our daughter. She took pictures, and made a scrapbook along with other keepsakes we hold so dear today. When I had my latest miscarriage a few weeks ago, she emailed me and talked me through some very tough days. She is an amazing person who does incredible things for bereaved parents and families. I hold her very dear to my heart.

Sue Hoopengarner speaking at the memorial service

Our scenery on our Walk today

Tomorrow at 7 p.m. is when families across America are to light a candle for one hour in honor of their lost babies. Unfortunately, I will be at work. My family will participate though. The goal is to have each time zone light a candle at 7 p.m. their time, so that for one hour their will be one solid light across America. Please, participate if you can! :)

Today we went to honor our special babies.. We started with a walk through Deming Park in Terre Haute. Then we had a memorial service in which poems were read, a mother spoke, and balloons were released. At the end, they spoke every babies name. It was a special day for all of us bereaved parents. A day where we know our babies matter, and we are parents! We all came together and cried, laughed, and shared stories. We learned there is hope! There is a way!  And we are NEVER alone! God works miracles, and we all have angels in Heaven, waiting for us. They aren't "gone" they are in a better place!

Ryan, his parents, and Me at the Walk

My mom, me, and my littlest brother Mason

My oldest little brother Kyle, his girlfriend Ashley, my mom, Ryan & I, and Mason

I had a lot of mixed emotions today. I thought being with other parents would make us feel more comfortable and closer in a new family of friends. I thought I would go in there today strong, and happy. Able to get through it without a breakdown because we were honoring our babies. I was wrong. I teared up a few times, which I did expect. But then one mom was brave enough to walk up to that podium in front of all of us and say a very special poem entitled, "What Makes a Mother". That poem is very significant in our family. My oldest little brother Kyle found that poem while planning Laila's funeral with us in April. He gave it to me to put in her casket with her. He gave it to me to remind me no matter what the world says, I am a mother. According to the poem I am the world's best kind of mother because I "set my baby free" to Heaven. I released her into the hands and warmth of God. She will never know pain, she will never know sadness. And she will know the Lord in a way we all can't even imagine until we get there. While this mother was reading this poem, she broke down in tears. But-- she never gave up. She saw it through to the end. She was going to do this for her baby! What a strong woman! What a wonderful mommy! I broke down in tears because I felt her pain. I knew what she was feeling. All of those emotions at once.. all you can do is cry. God bless her! 

My Aunt Candy, me, my Maw Maw, Ryan, & my Grandma

Me and My best friend (Babies Aunt May May) Mariellen

Me and Maw Maw

Me and my friend (Babies Aunt Elyse) Elyse

I guess this post is all over the place. I can't even explain how I felt today. I cried, I laughed, I hurt, and I felt happy. It was a hard day and an exhausting day emotionally. I am happy to know that our babies will forever be surrounded by friends. I cried today because although I know they are in a better place, I wanted to know them more! I hurt today because I missed my babies tremendously, and I hurt to see all these other parents, siblings, and grandparents, aunts, and uncles, grieving over their lost babies. I laughed because my family always finds a way to make us laugh when we hurt the most. I laughed seeing other parents enjoy their other children, and I felt hope. No amount of children here on Earth with us will every replace our lost babies. They will grow up knowing they are the younger siblings of their sister and brother/sister. But to see other parents enjoy and laugh with their children today gave Ryan and I hope that one day we will find happiness again with our other children. We don't ever have to forget about our lost babies just because we have more. We will forever have the two children who live in Heaven with God and wait for us when our day comes. We will always include them in everything we do. Thank God for everything we have had, have now, and will have someday. Thank God for hope, faith, love, time, and healing. Thank God we believe!

Ryan, Me, and my littlest brother Mason :) 

Thank you for reading.

New Beginnings

If you have read my older posts, you know I recently  just started a new job. I was nervous about going to work and making money, because I haven't done that since I have been married. It's scary because the last time I worked, I was fresh out of high school, and barely knew of the "real world". Now, I see the world differently, and let's just say, it's made me grow up A LOT.

Not only is my job a "new beginning" for me, but now Ryan and I are moving into a new place this next week. We haven't lived on our own since we found out about being pregnant with Laila. For almost a year now, we haven't had to worry about big bills and dealing with all of that stress. Now, we are having to work out week to week finances, and to be quite honest, it's nerve wrecking. Even with two incomes this day in age, it's almost impossible to stay afloat.

Everything in our lives lately have been new. We have a  new way of looking at the world, a new responsibility as parents, a new income base, a new home, and even a new found gratitude for our marriage. I have discovered that not every married couple is happy. I am not naive, I am talking about those couples you think have it all together, w ho actually don't. I was complimented today by a friend of mine who said, "You and Ryan are the happiest couple I know". For us, this is actually a true statement. There are rare times when him and I bicker, and we haven't ever really had a "fight". I am grateful to have found a man who I am honestly happy with. Who I love with all my heart. Who I look forward to spending the rest of my life with. I wake up everyday knowing I have someone who loves me, who I can trust, and who will never let me down. Not everyone has that.

But, even relationships need new beginnings. They need to refresh to keep the happy coming. A relationship needs to be worked on everyday. Not when you have time. You need to appreciate the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, and who you tell everyday you love. Don't take them for granted, you never know what life will throw your way, and how you will handle it. If your relationship is stable and strong, you can get through anything and everything. But like everything else  you succeed at, you have to work at it to make it work.

I know this isn't my normal text, but I felt this was something I needed to speak about tonight. I just hope those of you who read this either smile because you have one of those good relationships, or realize what you need to do to make your relationship good again. It can happen. You just have to want it to happen, and you can make it happen. Relationships come down to 3 things: Trust, gratitude, and love. All of those things equal to the one thing we all search for in life: Happiness.

Thanks for reading.

Small Town Livin'- When Every Body Knows Your Name

Please don't misunderstand me; I love living in a small town where everyone knows me and I know them. It's a safe feeling, a comfortable way of living. It makes you appreciate the small things in life and enjoy the people around you. Not to mention the abundant amount of support from all sorts of people. Unfortunately, it's not always sunshine and rainbows.. 

Sometimes I don't like living in a small community where everyone knows everything about me. More importantly, I don't like everyone's "looks" they give me some days. When something tragic or big happens in your life, living in a small town is sometimes like being swarmed by a bunch of anxious bees. I'm not saying these people mean anything mean or bad, they are human. They are astounded by the train wreck forming in front of their eyes. That doesn't make them bad people by any means, it just makes them that- people. 

My point by my headline here is when everyone knows your name, they know every little thing about your life. And if they don't, sometimes they will "fill in the blanks" of your life story to make it more interesting. We all know those people that do that. Maybe some of us are like that ourselves.

When Laila passed away, I didn't leave my house for days. I didn't want those stares. Those sympathy looks. It was hard enough for me day in and day out to wake up and go through the day with dry eyes, or even to make myself get dressed. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know how I was suppose to act or react in situations when people asked how I was or questions about Laila. I didn't feel "ready" to face the world yet. I think a week went by when I attempted my first outing in to our little town. I went to the drug store to pick up my medicine. It was a quick process, but even in a swift motion such as picking up a prescription, those "stares" find their way into your line of vision. 

I thought it would get better the longer I had between losing Laila and now, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. If anything, it's harder now than it was then. The longer I go without my baby, the more my heart hurts and my emotions whirl inside of me. I thought I could handle other people being pregnant and having babies around me, but It makes me relive my own experience over again. People who have babies or are pregnant treat me as if I have some contagious bad luck that will spread to their own baby or pregnancy. And if they don't think that, they don't know how to treat me, so they avoid all together talking about their pregnancy or child.. Those kinds of things hurt me. 

Some people in my family have never had to go through something like this before so they think it helps to say things like, "Someday you will be a mom" or "your will make us grandparents or great aunts" and so on. I already am a mom. They already are grandmas, grandpas, greats, aunts, uncles, and so on. Just because she passed on doesn't mean she never existed. If anything, she lives on more than most people I know. She made more impact in our lives in her short life, than most people do in a lifetime. Don't tell me I will have a baby someday. I already have a baby. And she is beautiful, and special. She had a personality, and a heartbeat. She was and still is apart of Ryan & I. Sometimes I wish people would sit back and just think about some of the things they say or have said and ask themselves if they had went through what we are going through, would those things help them, or hurt them? I think that would prevent a lot of hurt feelings. 

so maybe that's where I wanted this post to go. I wanted those who live in our small little town to know any understand that just because they know of the story, doesn't mean they know how it feels and what we're going through. Honestly, if you have no idea, and you don't know what to say, just don't say anything. 

Thanks for reading. 

A Year Makes All the Difference!

Tomorrow is Ryan & I's 2 year wedding anniversary. When I think about how much has happened from one anniversary to the next, my mind is blown!

October 10, 2010
The day we were married. A beautiful fall day, leaves falling, wind gently blowing. I remember waking up with jitters and feeling as if I could fall from my weak knees at any given time. All the women in my family were crying, and I felt as though I had finally found where I belonged. I thought about the exciting road ahead of us involving buying a house, having children, and growing closer as a couple. As one.

 

October 10, 2011
One year married! We had already had a trying time together. We had invested our love and time into adopting a baby girl from a high school friend of mine just to have her back out 3 days before our baby shower, and 2 months before her due date. I thought I could never feel such pain and survive. I wanted to be a mommy so bad, and I had allowed myself to be excited and fall in love with a child that would never be mine. Ryan & I proved we could get through a great loss, and were wanting to move past that hurt, and go towards positivity and hope.

October 10, 2012
Tomorrow. Two years together. One child. Three losses. Most days it feels hard to hold on. The only solid thing in my life is Ryan. The love of my life. No matter how many trials we go through, how much pain we endure, we always have each other. That is a comforting thought. Over this past year, we have moved 4 times, and are getting ready to do the 5th move in 3 weeks. We have began on the journey of fertility, gotten pregnant, and lost our first child. We have planned a funeral, buried our baby, and woken up every day not knowing what to expect, not having a plan. We have helped my mom start over again, and get on her feet, along with our own feet locking into the ground again. We have had the joy of being surprised of getting pregnant again, and losing that baby within 5 days of knowing about it. We went through Laila's due date in the ER and crying in bed. Not only mourning what could have been with her, and what that day should have meant, but with enduring yet another loss of another child. I went through the emotions of fear, anger, loss, sadness, and strength.  I have gotten a job, and started to make new friends, and re connect with old ones.

This past year has been the biggest of all. We have learned a great deal. and I am curious to see what the next year will bring. I can't say it won't be any harder than this year, because I don't know. See, life has this way of showing you up when you challenge it. But I have one person on my side that will always carry me through life, and help me get through it.. God. He has the power to give and take away. He has the power to give you the strength to carry on. He has given me many blessings.

My hopes for the next year are high. I like to think I know what real pain is, and I'm confident in our relationship and strength that we can go through the journey to having a happy, healthy baby here on Earth with us, that we can raise together. I hope in one year on this date I am writing about how happy we are to be in a good place of our own (home & life wise), and positive in our future as parents. I hope I feel as close to God then as I do now. I also hope I can be an encouragement to those around me going through their own struggles and pain. I hope I can be a voice for my daughter then as I am now. I hope people love her and talk of her then as they do now. But most of all, I hope I can squash my fears and guilt, and live my life care free and happy.. that is a challenge all it's own.

Thanks for reading.

Photos courtesy of Rachel Richard Photography

Post #1

I started writing when I was younger as a way to get out my imagination and remembering it later on. As I grew older I realized how much writing helped me express myself but keep my ideas and feelings private. When times got tough, and I didn't know how to say how I felt out loud, I wrote it down. Now, as I go through the hardest time of my life, I realize how much my writing helps me release everything I tend to hold in. I hope I can keep this going and maybe help others understand how I'm feeling and this struggle my husband and I are going through day in and day out. Thanks for reading, and I hope I can give you more to read. 

This is me 

This is my husband, Ryan, and I 

And our beautiful little angel baby, Laila

Laila Marie Vickery was born on April 10, 2012 at 5:10 a.m. in Terre Haute, Indiana at Union Hospital. She weighed 2 ounces and was only 6 inches long. She was born at 16 weeks gestation. She was in Heaven before we had a chance to meet her. My hopes in this blog are to let others understand the steps of grieving. Even when people mean well, they don't know how much their words hurt. This blog is in honor of our daughter Laila. We love you baby.

Photos courtesy of Rachel Richard Photography