Tomorrow I go in for yet, another, D&C. This will be my second D&C, and my third miscarriage. I'm having a hard time accepting that after tomorrow the child I have carried for 8 weeks, will no longer be apart of my physical body.
I haven't wrote on here for at least a year, actually almost two. I wish I had some great reason why, but honestly, I just forgot my password and kept forgetting to retrieve it.
A lot has happened in the last two years. I started a new job at a preschool in my county. Ryan and I bought our first "family home" this past summer. It has the works: multiple bedrooms, a dining room, a fenced in back yard, and a huge pasture. It is perfect for a family. We finally decided to start actually "trying" again to get pregnant in June. We never stopped trying anyway, but we knew it was a long shot to get pregnant without help. I have a very low progesterone count when I'm not pregnant, which makes it impossible for me to conceive naturally. We went back to Dr. H in July and he did a full panel of blood work and studied my case for 3 weeks before deciding to go ahead and let me try the Clomid again for 3 cycles.
The first cycle was a bust. It messed my menstrual cycle all up, and I was very frustrated, hormonal, and just mad I even had to take this medicine in the first place. This is the same medication I took to get pregnant with Laila. I have always associated it with negativity. The second cycle evened me out, and my levels began to rise more and more, but it still failed. By the third cycle I was ready to try a different route because of the risk of taking Clomid for multiple cycles. I was prepared for another failure, and having to wait it out for another route to take. I went in for my day 21 progesterone test, and it was 28! That was an incredible jump from 17 to 28! Even the doctor was impressed. About two weeks later, I realized I was late and decided to test. Within two seconds of taking the pregnancy test, it was positive! It was positive before the control line showed up! I ran and told Ryan at 4:30 in the morning.
Because of my history, I didn't let myself get too excited with the positive test. I went in to get a blood test that night, it was 2011. I then realized I was actually pregnant! I went in every other day for almost a week and each time my levels had doubled. I had my first ultrasound at 5 weeks, and everything was good. Our little peanut was all nestled in it's sac, just waiting to join our family in July. I went in at 6 weeks 5 days and saw a heartbeat. It was there just flickering away.
Then I had another horrible day in my life. I went to work this past Tuesday, and while finishing up my break, taking another usual potty break, I wiped and saw red. My heart sank. I stayed in denial for many seconds thinking I was seeing something that wasn't really there. It couldn't be. I ran to tell my boss I had to go to the hospital. I was bleeding. I ran to my car and called the doctors office. I was instructed to stay at work and not worry, My bleeding was minimal with no cramping. They weren't wanting me to be worked up if I didn't need to be. She reassured me Dr. H would call me at work and let me know what to do. I went back into work and sat very still for an hour. Within that hour, I knew something was terribly wrong. I was cramping. I left work and went home to lie down. By 1 pm, I called my doctor's office again to tell them my bleeding was picking up and my cramping was getting worse. They instructed me to head into the office and get an ultrasound.
I don't remember that drive.
I walked into the ultrasound room, in a shaky daze. Reliving this nightmare in my head. Praying as hard as I could that this was a dream. This couldn't be real. It felt like an eternity before Dr. H came into the room. He was a nervous 'calm'. If you know Dr. H, he is a very easy going, honest person. He doesn't sweat over too much. Nothing honestly scares him. This is why I like him. I could feel his anxiety as he walked over to me. He couldn't look me in the eye. I think we both knew this wasn't good. He did a regular ultrasound first. The baby was in there, snug as a bug, with no flicker. He then said we were going to do an internal ultrasound to get a clearer picture. Still no heart beat. This whole time Dr. H did his best to shield my eyes away from the screen. He didn't want me to see this again. But it's like a train wreck, I can't help but look. All I could think is "I want to see my baby one more time". (That just made my tears fill up again).
Dr. H calmly told me to get dressed and he would be right back. I think he needed a minute before telling me the news. His words to me when he came back in were, "This sucks. This is NOT what I thought was going to happen. We did everything right. You don't deserve this. This isn't fair, you've been through enough for one lifetime". I silently agreed, but I stood stone still. My face was unreadable. I went numb to my core. On the outside, I was calm, but on the inside, my heart was aching like it had never ached before. We discussed my options. I could wait it out and go naturally, but I didn't want that to happen when I was alone. I couldn't handle it. I wanted to have it all stop. I needed the closure. He told me we could do a D&C and try and test as much as we could out of what we could get from the baby, and let my body heal, and then come back and put our heads together to figure out what the hell was going on.
I hate this next part.
I called my husband when I was back in my car. I had text him when I found out there wasn't a heart beat but I needed to talk to him. His words broke me. His anger at the world and the loss just exploded. No, don't paint a negative picture here. This is a raw as it gets. This is normal. This is true heart break. Hearing the pain in his voice, whether it be with anger or sadness, ripped my to the inner most part of my soul. I lost it.
I don't remember my drive home either.
The days since then I have been unable to honestly keep a consistent emotion. On the company front, I have been very calm. My friend even commented about my reaction. Not negatively, but in a positive light. She commended me for being so strong, but told me I didn't have to be. She could see right through me. She knew.
I feel like my life has been ripped away from me. Every thing I ever wanted has been destroyed. I feel grateful I have my life at the same time. I have so much to look forward to and live for. Then I start to be done with this whole process.
I honestly had so much to say with this post, but now I am just exhausted. My heart hurts, and my spirit is worn. Before I go in there tomorrow, I just wanted those of you who wonder how I am to know a few things: I'm not okay. I'm just like you would expect someone to be. But I am not going to dwell on the sorrow. When I asked God, "Why us?" I heard him tell me, "Just wait, one day you will see why". As much as my pain is present right now, I know His words to be true. This is yet another part of our journey. One we will never forget. A scar we will wear on our hearts forever. One day when we look into the eyes of our rainbow baby, Gods words will speak to me again.
