October 10, 2010
The day we were married. A beautiful fall day, leaves falling, wind gently blowing. I remember waking up with jitters and feeling as if I could fall from my weak knees at any given time. All the women in my family were crying, and I felt as though I had finally found where I belonged. I thought about the exciting road ahead of us involving buying a house, having children, and growing closer as a couple. As one.
October 10, 2011
One year married! We had already had a trying time together. We had invested our love and time into adopting a baby girl from a high school friend of mine just to have her back out 3 days before our baby shower, and 2 months before her due date. I thought I could never feel such pain and survive. I wanted to be a mommy so bad, and I had allowed myself to be excited and fall in love with a child that would never be mine. Ryan & I proved we could get through a great loss, and were wanting to move past that hurt, and go towards positivity and hope.
October 10, 2012
Tomorrow. Two years together. One child. Three losses. Most days it feels hard to hold on. The only solid thing in my life is Ryan. The love of my life. No matter how many trials we go through, how much pain we endure, we always have each other. That is a comforting thought. Over this past year, we have moved 4 times, and are getting ready to do the 5th move in 3 weeks. We have began on the journey of fertility, gotten pregnant, and lost our first child. We have planned a funeral, buried our baby, and woken up every day not knowing what to expect, not having a plan. We have helped my mom start over again, and get on her feet, along with our own feet locking into the ground again. We have had the joy of being surprised of getting pregnant again, and losing that baby within 5 days of knowing about it. We went through Laila's due date in the ER and crying in bed. Not only mourning what could have been with her, and what that day should have meant, but with enduring yet another loss of another child. I went through the emotions of fear, anger, loss, sadness, and strength. I have gotten a job, and started to make new friends, and re connect with old ones.
This past year has been the biggest of all. We have learned a great deal. and I am curious to see what the next year will bring. I can't say it won't be any harder than this year, because I don't know. See, life has this way of showing you up when you challenge it. But I have one person on my side that will always carry me through life, and help me get through it.. God. He has the power to give and take away. He has the power to give you the strength to carry on. He has given me many blessings.
My hopes for the next year are high. I like to think I know what real pain is, and I'm confident in our relationship and strength that we can go through the journey to having a happy, healthy baby here on Earth with us, that we can raise together. I hope in one year on this date I am writing about how happy we are to be in a good place of our own (home & life wise), and positive in our future as parents. I hope I feel as close to God then as I do now. I also hope I can be an encouragement to those around me going through their own struggles and pain. I hope I can be a voice for my daughter then as I am now. I hope people love her and talk of her then as they do now. But most of all, I hope I can squash my fears and guilt, and live my life care free and happy.. that is a challenge all it's own.
Thanks for reading.
Photos courtesy of Rachel Richard Photography
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