The Purpose Behind the Pain

This has been a hard year. I can't express how much I am looking forward to starting a fresh new year with new possibilities and new beginnings. This year is full of great events to look forward to. For starters, My little brother is graduating from high school in May. It doesn't seem possible. My best friends are getting married as well at the end of May. My other girlfriend is expecting her first child in March! :) Yay for new life! My baby sister is getting married in July sometime. So much love and joy going around, it's hard not to be happy!

There are also many hard times to come. Laila's 1st birthday is coming up in April. It's hard to know how that will turn out, but I'm hoping for the best it can be.

Ryan and I recently experienced our first loss outside our own loss. Our friends had their baby at 22 weeks, and although he fought hard, he went home to be with the Lord just a few hours after entering the world. For the first time we were faced with the decision of whether or not it would be best if we offered our support from afar, or hands on support. In the end, we swallowed our own fears and pain and decided we could charge through and be there for our friends. It just reminded me that it's easy to get sucked back up into your own grief, and even use it as a crutch to not face your fears. It's easy to lie and tell someone you just can't rather than be honest and tell them you're scared of what kind of wound you will open up in yourself. We weren't exactly sure how to do things and how to express what we knew they were going through.

I have found it's easy for those on the "outside" of this kind of grief to just simply say they are sorry and do little things like say, "at least you have your other children", or "At least you had the time you did have with him", or "He is in better hands now". Those things; although innocent, hurt even more. That is how a grieving parent wounds more. Well, at least to me.

I struggled offering my hand for support or even hugging the grieving mother in fear that I may break down myself. In the end, she came to me. I was so ashamed of myself, because I felt as though all eyes were on me to do something. As if, since I had attended, I should have jumped on the opportunity to comfort her. But the cold hard truth is, I was frozen in panic. I was scared beyond belief. I wish I could sit here and type that I was "strong" and headstrong. That I was able to hold back my tears and let her cry on my shoulder. That would be a lie, and a shameful way to come across. I am only human, as is everyone else.

I know this is everywhere. But I just hope the parents know- all parents out there- we are here. Everyone needs a friend now and then. I just hope we can all be honest with each other, and let our emotions flow, but not overtake our every day lives. Remember that even those this pain is ever present in our lives, we all have a reason to live. We all have a reason to be happy. Our children live forever through us. Let's make them proud. Let's be the kind of people here today, that we would have wanted to raise them to be. God Bless you all.